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Negative self talk. How do you speak to yourself?

The language you use and where you choose to channel your focus (be it past or present) will make or break your success.

As a coach, it is a part of my job to express Tough Love. Lots of love to my current guys and girls for putting up with me on a weekly basis 😉

So here it goes:

Rule No.1

Identify what’s outwith your control and accept it. There aren’t many things in this category (e.g. people’s opinions, reactions, your age, past, ethnicity etc. ). It’s impractical and downright wasteful to focus your time and energy on them!

Rule No. 2

Identify what’s within your control and outline actionable steps to remedy the situation. EVERYTHING else falls in this category (e.g. your daily habits, your choice to behave a certain way, your choice of food, pastime, people, reactions, words, impressions, perspective etc.)

For example:

– you can’t control what people say, but you can control how you react to it;

– your past is outwith your control, dwelling upon it won’t change anything, what you can do is focus on your present and make sure not to repeat the same mistakes.

Rule No.3

If something is important to you, do not walk away from it until you have done EVERYTHING WITHIN YOUR CONTROL to achieve it.


Situation 1:‘ what do I want to achieve?! I want to lose 10 kg’

a. Solution A: ‘I’m going to eat healthy and do cardio 3 hrs a week’

b. Outcome A: ‘Ugh..I’ve put all that work in and I’ve only lost 0.5 kg in 4 weeks. This is pointless, my metabolism must be slow. It’s never going to work!’

c. Final outcome A: feels defeated, helpless, gives up, justifies to herself she’s ‘faulty’ and that ‘it’s just not meant to be’.

Follow-up problem with that: anytime this person tries to achieve another goal, she’s reminded of her past failures and is likely to never take on another challenge by……..(going in circles here)….. justifying to herself that it won’t work anyway.

◾ Situation 2: everything starts the same, but then…….

b. Outcome B: ‘I’ve tried this program for 4 weeks and I’ve lost 0.5 kg. It’s not great, but it’s going in the right direction. I’m going to do some research to see if I can speed it up or if I don’t have time, I might just hire a coach.’

c. Final outcome B: Takes control of the situation, learns the reason why the first program didn’t work, finds a better one, achieves her goal.

Follow-up outcome B: Interpreted the situation as a learning curve, acquired a new skill, the situation turned into a positive experience that will likely inspire confidence in tackling future challenges.

If you’re already the person in situation 2, congratulations! You can achieve anything you put your mind to!

If you’re not there yet, don’t despair. There is no magic behind any of those thought processes. If you want to change yours, you can! And here’s a step-by-step strategy you can use:

1. Identify an area in your life you want to improve (e.g. lose weight)

2. Channel your inner Dr. Phil and observe yourself from a distance. What are your thoughts? Beliefs? Feelings about (losing weight)..[insert any goal you’re currently working on] Basically, what do you tell yourself?

3. Don’t judge or categorize your thoughts into ‘good’ and ‘bad’, instead become aware of your current thought process, of the things you say to yourself (e.g. I’m so frustrated with myself, why don’t I understand this?!, I’ll never be X, etc.)

4. Next time you’re in the same situation, try to replace the ‘beat yourself up’ thoughts with a more positive outlook that spurs you into action (e.g. I understand I’m new at X, it’ll take time; I’ve come so far since I started; what’s the one thing I can do about this to make me feel better? Can I team up with someone who’s got the same problem? Maybe we can find a solution faster?) and so on.

If you find this useful, please share this post and tag a friend who needs to hear it, it’ll mean a lot to me ♥️

Lots of love,


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